It’s hard to start a new home. When I was walking home the other day with what felt like 100 pounds of groceries draped over my shoulders in more canvas bags than I could count I thought, “I wonder if my adult home will every feel as homey as “home” felt as a child?” I was lucky and only lived in two homes growing up, the second home feels like home, always. When I think of “the living room” or “my bedroom” it’s in that home. Maybe in the years to come when we start our own family, or stay in one place for more than a year I’ll begin to feel that “home” feeling again.
I’ve been conflicted recently, and really insecure. I guess that comes with the territory of moving from a small town to a big city, from a family church, to a bunch of people you’ve never met, from a separate lane way home, to a teeny tiny apartment. For some reason all these changes have made me feel insecure in almost every decision I make. Usually within five minutes of making a decision, whether it has to do with decorating, or bigger more serious issues, I second guess myself.
My mom suggested I put curtains up, and it really helped a lot. There’s something about our surroundings that either can make us feel comfortable, or not so much. Our apartment, with the exception of our bedroom (it’s a nightmare) feels like our home, but it doesn’t quite feel like “home” yet. Yesterday though as I walked in our neighborhood, or last week when I took my bike to Jericho beach I felt, for the first time, that Vancouver was ACTUALLY my home, where I lived with Tal. Up until that point I’ve still felt like I was a visitor here.
A new home means a new normal, a new way of living, a new lens to view your everyday through. We’re working on it, but I’m finding it has less to do with the “working on it” part and more to do with just being here. Each day feels a little bit more stable. Every move before this has been within the confines of our little town, the only thing that changes is the look of our home, and what street we use to get down to the grocery store, this move has been different on so many levels.
I can say with confidence that I am happy here now. This is new. I thought I would immediately love it, but dealing with all the insecurity has made it harder to jump right in.
Part of this also has to with Grandma and Grandpa being in Mission dealing with Grandpa’s recovery, it’s not as easy to just drop by and visit. When I was in Mission and Grandpa was in New West it was shorter than the drive from where we are in Vancouver to where he is now in Mission. I want to be there more, but I also exhaust myself (and our gasoline budget) driving in and out too much.
I’m trying to keep up a few friendships in Mission, Abbotsford, and Langley, as well as foster new ones here. Feeling like I’m part of a community is vital. That being said, Tal and I have grown immeasurably closer in the past month and a half. It’s amazing to see a difference so quickly. We rely on each other a lot more, for friendship, for conversation… etc. We’re each others partners, for real. We always were I guess, I just ended up relying on a lot of other friends and family as well, now it’s just my man and me.
I’m getting used to anonymity, and I like it. For some reason not knowing anyone around when I’m at the Farmer’s Market, or the library makes me cherish my little network of friends and family more. When I was running into people all the time it was easy to take friendships for granted and not work on them. I feel like really carving time out of schedules to sit down and be together with people is so important. So important I made it a goal for 2014, to grow my friendships, and to make new, strong ones, here in Vancouver. I can’t help but wish that all my friends would just move out here though, make things easier.
In hindsight this past year has just been so crazy, it’s no wonder it took me about 7 weeks to begin to feel happy here. I tried writing a “we’re here now!” blog like 15 times, but each time it came out sounding like, “I hate it here,” when that wasn’t really the case, it’s just that I was feeling so insecure about it all. I feel secure now, for now.
It’s a big adventure, and I’m beginning to enjoy the freedom in that.
This is a scattered post, but it’s the most cohesive thoughts I’ve had recently about this move so far, so I’m going to go with it.